Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.

“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.

ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break

My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.

Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*

Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it

Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*

[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa

Her, 6: I have a secret

Me: What is it?

Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker

Me: Oh no

Her: yeeeah

I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast

Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.

Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.

How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend

Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.

– Me, to the 5 yr old

At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.

This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed

Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.

I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time

I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.

If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.

[baby finally falls asleep]

ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax

DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON

“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”

“What?”

“It’s a long story.”

‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’

If you ring my doorbell on election night and ask for candy you WILL get it.

According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.

Him: Are you perioding?

Me: Are you deathwishing?

Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.

Hey! This isn’t my car!

🇺🇸🤭

ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”

everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything