Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Grew big

Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality

A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.

A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…

Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.

ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are

ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope

You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped

I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting

When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”

2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.

They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….

Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”

FRIEND: do you drive stick?

ME: no I drive car.

The internet is undefeated.. 😂

Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again

Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?

Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕

Pac-Man: again?

Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one

Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.

*In the back of an ambulance

Me: Change the radio station

Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy

Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song

My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.

My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.

as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money

My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.

Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.

😬

I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??

[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice

Man goes to a Doctor.

“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”

“Does it burn?”

“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”

It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”

The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.

[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.

Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.

8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.

Me: You’re holding nunchucks.

8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.