Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.

baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold

mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear

One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.

If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.

But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.

If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.

Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium

I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.

yeah I’m excited for Dune 2

dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you

getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house

me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up

my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass

Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.

Aaaa…CHOO!

This is your brain-
*holds out egg*

This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*

99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.

*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*

Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.

Me : Flow away, I’m busy.

My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time

Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.

I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.

These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.

Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?

I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.

My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.

Harry Potter: A Shortened Version

Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.

Everyone else: Lol, no.

[about to be murdered]

Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.

dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health

me: hello darkness my old friend

darkness: friend is a strong word

date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.

me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*

I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.

My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol