Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.

Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband

DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians

ME: *hand shoots up*

EXEC: NOT with velociraptors

ME: *hand drops down*

My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment

“and this blood shall be called A+”

all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”

Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet

Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*

I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”

I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.

Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.

Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.

Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”

Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.

Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.

My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.

Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese

I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.

Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.

I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.

All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.

If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.

Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?

do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?

“I know how to make an entrance.”

-guy who builds doors

ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.

Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.

ㅤ

If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.

Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.

i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip

I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.