Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.

I told my vodka about you.

Any time I’ve ever told myself I’m saving a snack for later, “later” ends up being 2 minutes

9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?

Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!

[Baseball game]

ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex

HIM: What? No, baseball came first

ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball

angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?

god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun

I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!

Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.

But it was hollow. And white chocolate.

Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?

NO, SENSEI!

Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden

imagine getting destroyed like this

roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti

i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”

Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?

Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words

I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.

Tried biscuits in gravy. Not sure why Americans rave about it.

I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long

If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….

Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.

Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes

Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?

If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.

There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.

Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff

If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.

[first date]

Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.

Me: What happened to your eyebrows?

Her: Not like that.

Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love

Girl: ew I don’t want this

Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it

Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross

Van Gogh: I love you too

Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*

Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?