You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
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Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
Billy Joel: We didn’t start the fire…
Smoky the Bear: No. Of course not. Nobody ever does. *rolls eyes*
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Make new friends? bro out of what?
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
why can’t i find normal clothes anymore why is it all either $5 for a scrap of polyester produced in evil ways or $200 for a basic shirt
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
