You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
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Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
I was binging Friends with my 14yo and there was a cliffhanger episode and I mentioned that we used to have to wait a week to find out what happened and she looked at me like I just told her we had no running water.
I remember taking my daughter to the movies once and after the second guy in a black leather mask with a zipper mouth showed up I thought, “Hey, this can’t be Frozen.” Anyway, years later, we laugh and laugh about that mistake; her, me and her therapist.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
How do villains get henchman? Networking? Asking because I’m thinking about being one but i hate networking
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
Broom by every window for quick escape.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.