You ever look at yourself on the self-checkout camera and think, “wow, I better write my will.”
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wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Carefully cropping the username off a popular reddit meme and posting it here with the caption “all right who made this?? 😂🤣😂”
i walked into a parisian bakery and said “bonjour. deux croissants s’il vous plaît” in absolutely, impeccably perfect french and the lady behind the counter still hit me with that “okay and what else”
IT’S-A ME,
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
My daughter told me, very sincerely, that if she ever wins the lottery she’ll give me $100 so I can be rich too
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot