You ever look at yourself on the self-checkout camera and think, “wow, I better write my will.”
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4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
Bad news – science doesn’t want your body. Looks like your only choice is to put it up on Facebook marketplace
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high