Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.

My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.

Me: Wtf?

Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM

just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.

I falcon love using swear birds

I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡

Therapist: Would you date yourself?

Me: No, I deserve better…

Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”

*watching Hoarders

Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.

One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.

Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.

My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.

I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.

Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today

My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.

Genie: what is your first wish

Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please

G: I’m a genie not a witch

If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:

Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.

I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken

My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.

I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.

I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.

The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.

WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.

There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.

***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.

My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.

Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”

whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.

I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.

Found a mystery grape in my building today. Gonna ask it questions like a crystal ball.

If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.

“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”