You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
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The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
I’m ready to try another planet.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
Me at my 225th rodeo:
“What the hell is going on?”
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Boss: you’re late
Me: I know, and I’ve decided to keep it. See you in court
Boss: I hate you
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators