You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
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Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
Me: School tomorrow! Hahahaha!
Child: Work today and for the rest of your life.
Me: Dammit.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role