You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
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Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
Pretty much! 😂👀
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
“I’m not ordering fries, I’ll just eat some of yours” -Former friends of mine
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*