Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.

holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks

*nothing on the kitchen table*

*nothing on the living room floor*

*nothing on the coffee table*

*nothing on the dining room table*

7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*

What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.

The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.

Me: What word?

The child: Funking.

Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.

in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents

You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room

Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*

Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.

Me: Where did your husband go to law school?

Client: He didn’t.

Me: So you should probably just do what he says.

why did I just deep clean my entire apartment before the john mulaney and chappell roan saturday night live episode like they’re physically coming over

Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying

me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?

girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?

me: no girls allowed

Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.

held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast

Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me

The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.

If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.

I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.

My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.

Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan

[harry potter at an interview]

interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes

harry: that’s correct, sir

interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow

Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….

Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.

In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.

My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains

I open a fancy cigarette case and offer you a stick of beef jerky.

Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there

might quit my job to focus on actually putting away my laundry

Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”

Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT

Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.