You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
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when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
Many people mistakenly believe that diamond is the hardest substance on earth, when in fact its microwaved egg on the sides of this bowl
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.