You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
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Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
Door dash is the closest thing I’ll ever experience to being actual royalty like bring me a dozen freshly made donuts and a bottle of your finest bourbon!
But your majesty, it’s 9:30 at night and…
I said be quick about it!
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Day 1: [Stranded on an island] Is this where it ends for me?
Day 2: Ok, I need to get to know this place
Day 3: I’ve spotted what appears to be monkeys.
Day 4: Omg I’ve just seen a person
Day 5: Ok, this is a zoo.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
On average, my tweets demonstrate I’m probably good at something else