You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
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Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
Obsessed with when babies see a younger baby and say “baby!” Like girl, ur the Spider-Man meme right now
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
opening a flower shop called women in stem
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws