Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Broke my work phone. I can’t talk on it anymore. I should have done this a long time ago

Did you know that when you meet an Indian, you can choose not to mention “Slumdog Millionaire”?

It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after

A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.

im not a nepo baby, im a REPO baby. and i’m seizing your car! UPDATE: i acknowledge my father’s role as Head Repo Man and how that has awarded me certain privileges in my career. I am learning and growing. no you cannot have your car back

interviewer: describe yourself

me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person

interviewer: ok

When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?

Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?

Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?

I saw a TikTok where someone realized the filter for the air purifier they’d been using for months had the plastic on it the whole time

I thought “who could be this dumb?” but decided to check mine just for giggles

And guys you’re not going to believe this but….

Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.

Me: it’s time to go

Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is

My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.

You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.

[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?

Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few

Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.

hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider

We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this

Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.

And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”

My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time

My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?

Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.

Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.

Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.

If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?

Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.

Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?

HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral

I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”

me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper

Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets

My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house

(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”

It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.

*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*