You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
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Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
Its true…
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy