You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
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Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
No flush
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
“Its swimsuit season” I whisper, eating another swimsuit
what?
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.