You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
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The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
diva inflation rises at an alarming rate
By the third month of my sentence, I’d whittled a lifelike gun from a bar of soap and covered it in shoe polish. That’s how bored I was.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.