Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“And we shall call it Kansas City”

Cuz it’s in Kansas?

“No it will be located in Missouri.”

What will we call the neighboring city across the river?

“Kansas City, Kansas”

Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.

My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.

Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.

Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.

Me: I could really use a hug rn.

Bear: …okay.

Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!

If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”

Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg

and wait.

-hospitals

I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.

Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– you, because no matter how many times they deleted you from their contacts, the goddamn cloud brought you back

I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.

Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.

Jesus Christ lmao

Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.

20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.

When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.

KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that

you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.

Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?

Thank you.

At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.

This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.

2017: It can’t get worse than this

DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment

[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy

Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!

Me: ah, the irony

Friend: What?!

Me: What?

Party Cat & Scaredy Cat

My 7yo with someone she just met, “My mom has a dairy allergy, and my dad has a kidney stone. It’s gonna hurt when he pees it out.”

[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT

5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?

Me: Ham? Yes

5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?

Me: Pay the bills.

5: Are you winning?

Me: No.

realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some