Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Don’t kid yourself.”

—birth control advert

for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping

They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.

My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.

I laughed.

…

She stared at me until I paid her.

Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”

Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.

I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.

hackers play passwordle

Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible

Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too

4: mommy, I don’t like you.

Me: why, what did I do??

4: *gives me a huge hug*

Me: uh

4: I only love grandma

Me: what is happening

wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap

My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”

When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways

is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while

I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.

Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried

Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.

Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.

toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that

I stopped my pig from eating a penny.

I don’t know why.

I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.

I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.

Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.

Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.

Him: I got that dog in me

Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?

Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”

“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.

“No, lots of wine bags.”

me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty

The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.

Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”

Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?

Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.

Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?

If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.

I’ve got to start taking better care of myself. Tomorrow I’ll walk to the liquor store.