You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
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Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave