Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.

My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.

Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.

Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.

[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.

Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.

The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.

If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.

The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor

Be vigilant

Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.

crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators

When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.

me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u

*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.

Read an article that said:
“ChatGPT is making us dumber…”

*and I was like _whatever_*

I’ve used it and I’m still super…
[asks ChatGPT for synonyms of smart]

Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M

She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!

*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*

I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.

If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.

“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.

I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.

Oh no

Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.

Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?

Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.

Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?

Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*

I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t

Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?

8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!

The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo

tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.

*trimming the tree

Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.