Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom

nurse:how do u rate ur pain

me: zero stars

nurse: what

me: would not recommend

Doctor: I have bad news

Me: oh no

Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling

Me: whew, I thought I was dying-

Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying

I was visiting my parents yesterday and found this. I’m their only child.

I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee

My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.

Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.

When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was

Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”

Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.

6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.

I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.

What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?

My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.

I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:

“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”

I have a black belt in leather

Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.

If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.

o: I want a tail

GENIE: ok

α: longer

GENIE: sure

q: LONGER

GENIE: dude

@: perfect

Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2

If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.

[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?

[playing pictionary]

Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!

Him: Its a door knocker.

“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean

Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.

My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.

School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”

I am embarrassed for myself.

Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM

I lovingly caress my belly.

“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.

I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.

Halifax authorities had to remove a deer from a downtown bar. Proving once and for all that Halifax bouncers don’t check IDs.

One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan