You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
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Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
Marked safe from having the gene that causes people to maniacally clean their house when they find out that someone is coming over to visit. I cannot say the same is true for my wife.
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
You’d think wearing a hospital gown in a pharmacy would insure prompt service, well I’m here to tell you kids, it does not.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
So, this is how my day is going. How about you?
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”