You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
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Look guys if The NY Times wanted to be serious journalism they wouldn’t have pivoted so hard into cooking and games, ok?
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
Don’t snitch tag.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
Have a lovely day 😊
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.