You ever see someone driving and immediately understand why they’re missing a bumper?
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I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
If you occasionally blow on your bourbon during a Zoom meeting, the other folks will think you’re enjoying a hot cup of tea.
Okay, I’m still confused…
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
Husband: you should get out of the house more
Me: *goes shopping*
Husband: not like that
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
(making small talk with a couple) so have you guys ever cheated on each other?
this summer i’m going cicada mode (emerging briefly from my house and being really loud until i find a mate)
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
Did you hear about the man who was using apples and oranges for flooring?
He started to lay them down when he realized it was fruit-tile
#LunchPun
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”