You ever see someone driving and immediately understand why they’re missing a bumper?
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People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
I refer to one of my neighbors as the “older lady on the end,” but it turns out she’s like my age.
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Cutting the rings on my 6 pack plastic thing so nobody chokes when i throw it into the turtle enclosure at the aquarium
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
(Watching Hocus Pocus with my kids for the first time)
Twinzer: Dad, what’s a virgin?
Me: uh… someone from Virginia
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
This meal prepping shit is easy
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.