You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
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Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
An ice cream truck has rolled past my house three times and it’s honestly starting to feel like profiling
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
What is going on? 😅
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey