You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
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My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
Remember kids, no matter who wins tomorrow, you’re still going to pay too much for avocados.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
Called it
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”