You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
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You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
The expired vitamins I take every two years aren’t working
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”![]()
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
multitasking lunch
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What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.