you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
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When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.