Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection

My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.

My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.

I just smiled to everyone I invited over to watch football as I turned it off and started the puppet show.

Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*

wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep

Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.

“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”

[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”

CANADA WATCHING US NEWS

Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.

9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.

Me: That would be a plane.

9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.

Me: So, a helicopter then.

9: No no small like a drone.

Me: …..

My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.

look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens

*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*

ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!

Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.

SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?

SCARECROW:Oh I forgot

SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…

SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it

It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.

*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.

wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him

me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six

puppy: holy shit

[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]

Make a banana annoying.

hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner

hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail

You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.

Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”

Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten

Anyway, thought of you

This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.

You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.

I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.

In the past, people had to eat lawn clippings and drink boiling water separately. The invention of tea bags was a big time saver.

Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.