Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing

ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me

GUY: DAMMIT

WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*

If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”

[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]

cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children

Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.

My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.

Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.

My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.

[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]

My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials

[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.

All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.

-lies parents tell themselves

I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.

Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.

My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”

To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.

Frodo is a beautiful name for a boy. Has a ring to it.

Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.

I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.

Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise

41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?

[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy

Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.

OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.

What do you want, a meddle?

5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”

So, yeah, she’s mine.

Qui-gon: You will give me the parts

Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks

Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?

Watto: I will give you the parts

I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience

Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.

Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.

Me: I said handstandwich!

If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn

You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.

You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks