@JazminsThoughts

You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.

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@SirEviscerate

If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.

@MesutOzilClass

Arsenal did the mannequin challenge for 89minutes at Old Trafford and still drew.😂

@Mytwoscentz

I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up

@stephenjmolloy

Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”

@HumanPog

If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down

@iamspacegirl

the Lord is my shepherd, He shaves my entire body to make sweaters

@GinAndJif

Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.

@darksidedeb

Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.

@thewordy

boys love mysterious girls so don’t be afraid to show up to dates with a shovel and a smear of fresh blood on your collar