You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
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I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number