You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.

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If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.


Arsenal did the mannequin challenge for 89minutes at Old Trafford and still drew.😂


I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up


Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”


If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down


the Lord is my shepherd, He shaves my entire body to make sweaters


Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.


Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.


boys love mysterious girls so don’t be afraid to show up to dates with a shovel and a smear of fresh blood on your collar