You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
I’d climb the deepest ocean for you.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
