You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
If your store’s bowl of water is just for pets you should really put up a sign.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Today I walked out of the baseball complex carrying two Gatorades, a half-eaten snack, a 40oz Stanley and a 4yo, and the 4yo had the audacity to tell me to walk faster.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
