Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby

[New printer]

Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*

Ink low, replace cartridges

I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.

Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.

I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.

good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.

The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner

I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.

That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork

ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]

WIFE: What are you training for?

ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking

I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.

Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.

No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.

Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?

Because you can’t C in the dark.

I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.

From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.

3yo (in his car seat): Mommy, I want you to cross you legs like a pretzel.
Me (driving): Can’t do that, honey.
3: Well, that’s just the way things are today.
Me: No, honey, I’m driving.
3: 🙄 MOMMY. I am doing it in the car. It is EASY!

This is every influencer giving “advice.”

Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo

After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.

Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper

You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.

-me flirting

If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart

Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.

If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.

I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.

Going for a poo could spell trouble!

Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.

For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.

Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.

I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting