you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
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Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
Petition to lower the retirement age. I’m tired now.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
Not saying I was a gullible kid but my sister once gave me scissors and said “Grandma needs us to trim the carpet”
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Still my favourite meme.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.