you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
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Never be a pizza!
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.