Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This water sounds like a sexually transmitted infection you get from a gentle breeze blowing up your shorts.

Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry

*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*

This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead

Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club

Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would

SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have

SCOOBY DOO: rabies

SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant

[being held hostage]

Me: this is nice

Kidnapper: what

Me: I love to be held

My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.

It was a picture of her at the airport.

The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them

I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.

I was dismayed to hear the story of Rumpelstiltskin. I had no idea he was like that outside of work

There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for life

So anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.

Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.

Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.

Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.

And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.

Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace

Don’t snitch tag.

inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..

Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.

Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for

Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law

It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy

person I’ve never interacted with who has no tweets and a pfp that’s not human: follow me back please!

Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.

Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.

Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.

I love greens, but not in a sexual way

Platonic salads, so to speak

STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST

1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy

I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.

“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works

A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”

So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.

Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in