You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
You Might Also Like
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
new bit: referring to my husband as my “ex-boyfriend”
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
4 year old: I had a nightmare
me: don’t worry, it wasn’t real
4 y.o.: I dreamed every movie based on established I.P. will now be reviewed by a committee of nerds censoring anything that might be controversial with fans of the franchise
me: *terror rising within me* no way
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.