You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
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Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
my favorite thing about halloween is watching couples fight, name any other time you get to see a drunk penguin break up with a sobbing deadpool cause he was hitting on a sexy crayola box
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
I thought there had to be another explanation for why they disappear but a repairman just took apart my washer machine AND IT WAS FULL OF LOOSE SOCKS
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.