You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
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HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes