you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
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[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
two unread emails:
– from HR: please fill out our anonymous survey
– from Boss: don’t forget about the survey, HR said you are the last one from our team
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.