Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember kids, when you get assigned the special kinda illegal project at work – it’s not because you’re on the inner circle – it’s because you’re the expendable fall guy weakling who will misinterpret inclusion to illicit conspiracy as the illusion of respect you crave.

If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE

It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.

Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then

billionaire: we’re all in this together

everyone: you lost money too?

billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.

Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.

Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.

If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet

After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off

London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse

Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea

Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again

Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?

My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital

“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit

I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.

I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist

Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.

when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak

If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.

on da cob, we all corn

This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.

Me after 1 airport cocktail:

People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.

To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?

[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!

[first day as a barista]

ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole

NICHOLE: oh come on

TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left

calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves

“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.