Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[normally]
my bed has four corners

[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners

First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright

CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.

so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys

Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.

I need to know the brand of toothbrush my neighbor has. I hear it buzzing sometimes an hour at a time and she’s clearly enjoying it

My favorite condiment is Worcestershire sauce. Why? It’s hard to say.

Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me

I’m totally onboard with the public outrage. I’ll be watching the Olympic women’s beach volleyball solely to point out hidden satanic messages.

*middle of a 6 hour road trip,

One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”

Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket

When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”

Real quick, what percentage of your blood is supposed to be buttercream?

Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks

The 5 Love Languages

Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me

Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe

Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind

Gift Giving: give me a sign

Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time

I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae

My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.

Date: I like old fashioned guys

Me: I have polio

I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.

victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*

murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again

[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]

I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.

[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s

Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?

4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.

ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk

WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours

I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– that one really embarrassing thing you did
– literally everyone still remembers & talks about it
– you’d think they forget but no lmao
– can’t believe you did that lol

This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.

Dude last night asked me “do you walk like that on purpose?” and I’ll think about it forever