You ever try to stab salad lettuce with a fork? It’s like trying to put pants on a toddler. Oh I got… nooo, no I don’t
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ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today