You ever try to stab salad lettuce with a fork? It’s like trying to put pants on a toddler. Oh I got… nooo, no I don’t
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My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
energy cannot be created nor destroyed
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
Oh, I bet you would be
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster