You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
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The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
What even happened today?
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
A new level of troll.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
Sorry not sorry.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
Dammit Chief not again
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink