A dad and his duck
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Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
pep talk
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.