You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
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{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
deleting my mental health to focus on social media
Squirrels before girls.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.