You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
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[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
Welcome to adulthood: you’re always sleepy unless you’re trying to get to sleep
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
i still think about this 10yr old post a lot
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*