You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
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Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
that wasn’t the question
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
This is always good for a laugh.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity