You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
You Might Also Like
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
him: you’re an perfect 10.
me: omg, thank you!!! you want to go out some time or—
shoe salesman: i meant, your feet, sir.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
When I was a kid I assumed all Christmas songs were about Jesus because that was all I was exposed to so everytime I heard Last Christmas I was like…why would Jesus do that
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
The most refreshing way to fight your personal demons is to make demonade.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.