You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
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It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
I had 2 critical meetings on Tuesday. I was SO worried & nervous about them but it went okay. I was composed. I was fierce. I was prepared. And I was wearing my shirt backward the entire time. (I only realized after I got home.)
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah