Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either

Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound

Had an epiphany today.

Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.

I slept like a log last night.

A badger pissed on me.

It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.

My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it

I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”

“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?

7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.

*group chat*

Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.

[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]

I’m sorry…what?

[Zombie Apocalypse]

Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: K

Mascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese

*dies*

ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.

ALLISON: I agr-

ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!

Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most

god: next up for 2020-

angel: crap, what now?

god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS

angel: i’ll get legal

Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*

Mgr: What’d she want?

Me: nothing.

Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?

i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play

My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.

He went from scream to scary movie in seconds😭

Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.

A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.

I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.

The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven

“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.

Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…

🙏🏾

me: we named you after our favorite films

paul blart: i hate you

wife: you should be proud of your names

paul blart 2: you’re monsters

Six feet under.

– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster

I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen