You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
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The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
If an alien egg starts hatching in front of u, I would recommend not leaning over it to look inside. I’d back tf up. Just my two cents
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
I went to the car park. There were no slides or swings. My car just sat there. Sad.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
I’m probably too old to be driving around the roundabout and thinking wheeeeee as I do it, but what the hell.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…