You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
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Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
Me when they’re trying to close the buffet
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes