Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize

“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well

“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”

-guy who invented ketchup packets

I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.

Person: What’s your handicap?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t golf.

I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.

Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.

Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.

Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.

The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?

If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.

I didn’t understand your joke, but let me give you my angry and confused take on it.

The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever

We’re not out of the woods yet.

Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.

I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.

Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.

imagine asking a blind girl out in braille & she leave you on felt

I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.

I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.

wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing

Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀

The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.

“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”

My ducks may not be in a row, but at least they’re having fun. Your ducks probably hate you for making them line up like that.

Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.

every video on here is a staged fight called something like “Was the Nurse Right to Yell at the Patient🤔” with 1.3M comments that say “imho if I were the nurse i would yell at the patient”

my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.

I accidentally hit a parked car so I left them a note that said “next time it will be you”

My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee