You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
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No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
6 year old: if you were an adult just like now, so you were you, but you were a little kid in my kindergarten class would you know all of the stuff you know now or would you just be learning everything like we are?
me: did you eat any of the gummies in my toolbench?
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
Gentle reminder to take a brief moment to close your eyes, take a deep belly breath, and gently stroke your chin to find all the prickly whiskers you missed last time you plucked.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.