Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*

Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?

Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?

Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.

what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?

thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.

You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.

It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.

Ma’am, it’s moving.

I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!

how I feel after a shower
versus how I look after a shower

He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.

Absence didn’t work what else ya got?

The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…

Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.

They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.

Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.

Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.

my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you

me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden

Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57

Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.

Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.

*helping son with math problem*

[hour later]

JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!

This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be

I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids

[texting my wife from the barber]

WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:

One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.

don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”

Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.

So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”

…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.

Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?

Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.

Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex

Wait a minute

Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”

“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”

Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?