Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids

85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon

I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.

Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader

Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb

It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”

me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003

I’d hit that

-me, to my snooze alarm

[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?

me: sure. you look like a Tiffany

barista: no i mean a name for the order

me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”

My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.

Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me

19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.

Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.

who can I pay to hit me in the head with a baseball bat so I go into a coma for exactly 2 weeks and one day

*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here

[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg

I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤

~Conversations I have with my couch

It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.

-Nervous Nelly

Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.

“Miss me yet?” – 2019

I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.

I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.

*wins $1000*

To claim your prize, create an account and password.

Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.

“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks

“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”

Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”

“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”

I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”

Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!

A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.

The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene

#dnd

BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.