Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.

MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.

Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”

New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”

My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.

I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’

I have a huge to do list I just have to figure out who’s gonna do it

“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.

me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!

Mississippi: *crying*

I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.

The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.

on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?

Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.

If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.

applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”

Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes

5yo: I made this for you.

Me: How nice! Um…what is it?

5yo: I was hoping you’d know.

I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.

my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)

I love when someone is like “I’m funny because I have trauma and it’s a coping mechanisms” and it’s like ok not to add to your trauma, but you’re not funny

Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.

One hour later she was dead.

So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.

Doctor: I have good news and bad news

Me: What’s the good news?

Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way

“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015

Who else does this?

1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money

im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!

I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.

When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.

I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.

What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”

Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.

[leaving the synagogue]

I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit

His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.