You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
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I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…