Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.

If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.

What I say:

Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the car

What my kids hear:

Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop

Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.

Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.

I don’t know why Apple is charging me 7.99 , 3.99 and 10.99 and I will never know. frankly that is none of my business

Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.

* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.

*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time

ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!

OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.

My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁

[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three

I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong

I may be a middle aged suburban male but I still enjoy going out*, picking up hot chicks** & bringing them home.

*to Costco
** rotisserie chickens

i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure

this is how the alphabet looks from above

– – – – – – – – · – – – — – – – – – – – – – — – – –

[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!

seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!

gf:

seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!

Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.

The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.

Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.

Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.

[Hillbilly court]

Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?

Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did

It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent

Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.

Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.

You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.

let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,

When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.

Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.

Keith: Shut it.