Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter

A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble

I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.

Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.

This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.

Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]

I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀

I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.

When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”

I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock

Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.

First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching

There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things

Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.

People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.

It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.

Me: beware the clyde of march

Clyde: I’m standing right here

Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)

when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures

love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target

My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.

Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?

Friend: yeah

Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?

I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.

[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.

When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.

*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*

Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.

The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.

The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom

Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:

3. Oversized sharks

2. Rooms with large spiders in them

1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it

Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?

I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.