Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin

Stacy: Come over!

Me: Okay!

Stacy: My mom isn’t home.

Me: Nevermind.

Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.

If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.

If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party

Please don’t leave that cake alone with me

neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*

Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.

Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.

[grocery store]
Cashier: hi there

Customer: hello

Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow

Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.

People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.

If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.

Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?

Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax

I make one little mistake and now my pharmacist adds, “by mouth” to all my prescriptions labels

it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore

I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)

Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.

She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips

New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?

Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?

I thought I was being chased by a werewolf but turns out it was just my cousin Tony from jersey

My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day

[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”

I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?

[1st date]

HER: So do you have any hobbies?

SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor

HER: What?!

HIM: Just ventriloquism

Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”

Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!

Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.

Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.

Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?