Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.

We believe you.

[party]

friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike

piñata: *struggles against ropes*

The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.

My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.

DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era

ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*

My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”

FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!

When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.

Posted from my iPhone

Welcome home! How was your trip? Do you want to hear the good news about your plants or the bad news about your cat?

I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.

Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.

[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired

mmm onion ringos

The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.

*3:30 am

House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?

Smoke alarm: I had last week

Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.

HA: Water heater?

WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!

Me: *almost falls out of bed*

HA: HAHAHA! Good work!

I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.

I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station

me: what kind of dog is that?

him: husky

me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?

13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!

Me: What?

13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.

Me:

13: Oh wait, that’s French.

I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice

Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!

Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone

some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe

yesterday at the post office, guy in front of me:
“i’m interested in sending a letter.”
po clerk: “OK do you have the letter?”
guy: “no I do not”.

Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus

Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄

mamma mia! is such a fascinating paradox… italian phrase as its name, it takes place in greece. the songs are from a swedish band. british supporting cast, living around greek people, and the main characters have american accents. no one knows how to sing, but everyone is drunk

“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”

I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.

the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe

when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”