Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs

ME: They call me Mr Universe

DATE: You workout?

ME: I’m constantly expanding

[marriage counseling]

prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking

ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM

Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway

My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.

I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.

Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.

“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?

Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.

Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.

Overheard, my kids-

7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda

[first Captain to go down with the ship]

Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.

Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]

Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!

Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken

I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.

I’d like to speak to America’s manager.

My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu

If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it

After saying something bold, scandalous and outrageous always follow up with, “That’s right. I said it!” Otherwise they’ll mistakenly believe what you said was dull and hardly worth saying. Just more of the pointless droning , on and on, they’ve come to expect from you.

I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.

How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.

🤷‍♀️

I played the computer game Elite as a kid. Asked my Dad what Narcotics were and thought he said “Rugs”. Spent ages wondering why my carpet trading caused so much space police activity. Didn’t realise until years later.

why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.

I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting

Hot singles in your area!

They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.

U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said

What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?

We’re currently showing our home & still living there.

My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”

I preheated the oven to make dinner.

We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.

Haven’t had a conversation like this in months

Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.