You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
You Might Also Like
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
#dnd #ttrpg
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
They’re the worst 😩
My first rodeo and my last rodeo were the same rodeo.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.