You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
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genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
[On the phone]
Friend: I have news. Are you sitting down?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Seriously why do people do this to themselves?
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
i see you kids buying pre-rolled joints and now i understand the pain my grandpa felt when i told him i paid somebody to change my car’s oil